[18 Jan 2007|06:40pm] MARCOS PICCHIO FOREVER. post comment

[10 Oct 2006|04:55pm] [ music | atmosphere ] i'm over this whole uber intellectual, overly emotional, always complaining piece of shit phase. bring on the vulgarity and lewd comments about bodily functions and butt sex! 2 spost comment

[09 Sep 2006|07:34pm] [ music | siouxsie and the banshees ] yesterday was fucking amazing for many reasons. most important one being they played slayer on the morning announcements. i am in love with life! post comment

[30 Aug 2006|11:49pm] is this the way a toy feels when its batteries run dry?

[28 Aug 2006|02:32pm] [ music | crass ] Remember when we talked about where we'd be a year from now?  Remember, cause that's all you can do. We'll never make another memory. I wish I'd have died in your arms the last time we were together, so I wouldn't have to wake without you today. This time I thought things were real, you said they were, what happened? You were a priority, was I an option?  You knew from the beginning all I had to offer you was my heart, I'm sorry that it wasn't enough. So, we'll go our own ways, and hopefully you'll remember the things I've told you, hopefully you'll understand that everything I said was in sincerity. A broken heart is not what I wanted from this, But I guess I've learned from it. But aren't you supposed to learn from your mistakes? I don't consider this a mistake, I just wish the story didn't end this way, cause I'm still in love with the person who helped me write it. ----------------------------------------------------------- i'll post that because it explains things perfectly. but i will also say this:  i don't need anybody but myself, the few friends that i have (sam, kait, dilek, wyatt, alida, and tim in particular), and my amazing ability to keep the boys lined the fuck up.  this might make me sound like the hugest dumbass to ever walk planet earth, but it's completely true, and it technically, isn't my fault.  i'm tired of being that sweet, caring girl that gets nothing in return.  so fuck it.  i'm just gonna be that complete apathetic bad ass motherfucker that i fucking should be at my age.  love 'em and leave 'em, because it seems that thats what they always do to me. 1 post comment

[10 Jul 2006|05:14pm] [ music | jeff buckley ] i don't know what it is, exactly... but summertime makes me lose my head.  i don't know if it's the heat or the fact that i sit around doing nothing because the sun gives me a headache.  i should stop being such a hermit.  or move to alaska. i feel dirty.  which is odd because i most definitely am not.  i showered last night, washed my hair and everything.  i woke up this morning and i still felt unclean so i showered again.  washed my hair for a second time.  i got out, dried off, looked in the mirror and felt just as unclean as i did.  my skin is crawling and i'm not sure why that is.  i haven't been sleeping well, and i change my sheets everynight because i feel unclean whenever i lay on my bed.  my room is something that i'd like to demolish because i spend too much time in there, too many things remind me of other things that i shouldn't think about anymore.  it all seems too familiar... i have lived through this summer before. i'd really like to delete this journal and start fresh, because i'm fully aware of how whiney i sound in 85% of my entries.  but i deleted the last one, and i still regret it. 2 spost comment

[01 Jul 2006|04:46pm] [ music | atmosphere ] i've decided that no one really reads my journal, and i'm cool with that.  i write in it to get shit out, which is chill.  that's what a journal is for, correct? i'm doing okay.  i guess the zoloft is helping, i don't feel as anxious, but my moods are still just as up and down as they were before.   i started seeing a new counselor on thursday.  i didn't like her at first, but as the session went on, i felt more comfortable.... which is understandable, i guess.  i'm a little more content with my life than i was a few weeks ago.  that feeling that things could be so much better has died down a little bit, but there's still a hint of it lurking around. i haven't been doing much writing lately, which makes me feel awkward.  i guess it's because i've been on such an emotional standstill that i have nothing to ignite my inspiration.  which is alright, i guess.  i mean.... i could be on the other end of the spectrum, which is where i'm hating life, miserable, and writing for hours on end.... so, for now, this is okay. i've been hanging out with kait a lot more, which is nice.  feels like old times.  i AM getting sick of summer, though.  sleeping most of the day, not showering (not like that's just a summer thing, but whatever), being a complete loaf, fucking humidity.  i want winter again. all in all, things are mediocre at best. 1 post comment

[28 Jun 2006|02:22pm] that feeling you get when you know that someone loves and cares about you is unlike anything else.  i'd like to thank kaitlyn nicole barone for making me feel this way all the time.  i love you to the moon and back, my dear <3. 1 post comment

[17 Jun 2006|09:03pm] [ music | tom waits ] about a year and a half ago, sam and i hated eachother.  now we're inseparable.  a year ago i thought that being an asshole was cool.  today i sat and talked to the only other person at the party that was sitting alone.  two months ago, kevin and i were making silly plans for marriage someday far in the future.  i have since added his name to that long list of men who turned out to be just like the rest.  a year ago khushbu was my best friend.  i wonder what she's doing every once in a while.  a year ago i had skunk hair, and wouldn't be caught dead without full make-up and styled hair.  my straightener is now lost in a pile of clutter some where, and on very rare occasions i will actually make myself look decent.  six months ago i thought i could only be happy if i was in love..... now i'm not even sure what love is, if i want it in my life, or if i've ever even felt it in the first place.  a year ago, envy was the only thing i felt toward my older sister.  now i believe that i have found my own key to greatness that will soon unshackle me from being suffocated by her talents.  eight months ago i'd take every chance i could get to preach my distaste toward antidepressants.  a half-full bottle of xanax has now found it's home on my bedside table; zoloft is my new best friend.  a year ago i claimed that the only word to describe myself was apathetic.  i believe that now i cry on whoever's shoulder is unoccupied, pour my heart out to whoever's ear is open, whatever piece of paper i can get my hands on.   two years ago i had far too many skeletons in my closet, about 2 months ago they finally saw the light of day, thanks to the memoir assignment in my creative writing class.  a week ago i cried because i realized that the only thing consistent about life is that people change.  today i wrote this journal entry and provided even more proof for that statement. 3 spost comment

[08 May 2006|05:26pm] [ mood | wtf does QUIXOTIC mean?! ] [ music | polyphonic spree ] today i had my appointment at newton hospital in the mental health facilities.  it was interesting... for lack of a better word. i'm not really sure where my life is going.... but judging by the events that today has pummeled me with..... a psyche ward is looking very promising. post comment

[04 May 2006|06:30pm] [ music | aus rotten ] And I know he loved me then, I swear to god he did.  It's the way he’d bite my lower lip and push his hips against my hips and dig his nails so deep into my skin.   And I know he loved me once, but those days are gone.  He used to call me everyday from a pay phone on his break for lunch – just to say he can’t wait to come home.   The last time that I saw him he was picking through which records were his.  His clothes were packed in boxes, with some pots and pans and books and a toaster.  Just then a mouse scurried across the floor… we started laughing ‘til it didn’t hurt. ---------------------- When you said you needed me, did you really need me or was it just someone – oh, you’d take anything.  Am I first on that list of yours, or am I second, or third?  So, who’s that ahead of me, some harlot from Pittsburgh?  Detroit, Santa Fe, or San Diego?  I know you’re so alone, but how much affection does one guy really need?   When you said you’d hurt me, did you think you'd hurt me?  Are you really that cocky? When I said I loved you, it was because I loved you.  When I said I needed you, well, I really need you.  Yeah, I guess you hurt me, for once you’re a man of your words.  Well, guess what – I’m leaving – I can’t be your prisoner. [i don't know what to say, so i'll let the good life say it for me.] post comment

[05 Apr 2006|04:44pm] I can't stand my own mind.

[12 Mar 2006|01:51pm] [ music | the decemberists ] i am extremely perturbed by the thought of a petty fuck.  since when has the meaning that comes with having sex, been completely devoured by stupid fucks that see it as something so little?  i know that i don't have the right to tell someone that i think their way of life is wrong, but i will not sit back and watch my generation of fucking morons let something as untouchable as making love be turned into a time consumer for a boring saturday night, with someone whom they have no feeling or emotion for.  maybe I'M the one who's wrong... and maybe i'm stupid for thinking that someone so young can understand the concept of only having sex with someone you're in love with, but the thought of something so meaningful being used as something so inane is just... very unsettling.  i am bothered by this, and i'm afraid i'm the only one. 2 spost comment

[01 Mar 2006|06:32pm] [ music | the quakes ] i have found the single most amazing thing i could ever possibly find.  i was searching on limewire for one of the few tom waits' songs that i don't already have (not to toot my own horn, but come on, let's be serious here) and i was confused by a track with the artist reading allen ginsberg and the title reading "america"; one of my favorite poems by him.  naturally, i downloaded it within a matter of milliseconds.  as the track begins.... it's ginsberg reciting "america".  as it goes on......... i keep listening... and i hear none other then tom waits on piano in the background.  i almost fucking dropped the fuck dead. post comment

[18 Feb 2006|07:53pm] There's a place in my heart that won't kiss you goodbye, that can't accept the truth that things aren't working out as planned.  It's so hard to admit, that I drove you away with all this negativity, this anger every day.  Your heart doesn't belong to me.  Your heart doesn't belong to me.  I know I don't have the right to bug you with how this feels, it's just the hardest thing I've been through, nothing's ever felt so real.  And on this Sunday night you'll be making love to him her, I know because you told me I'm never going to win.  Your heart doesn't belong to me.  The blood is not on your hands.  It's not your fault that I write these things at night.  I brought it on myself.  I deserve this.  I deserve this.  I deserve this.  Do I really deserve this? [you know how there's some songs, that you just... cannot bring yourself to listen to because it reminds you of that one shitty time in your life?  and when you do, finally, listen to the song... you feel like you're just reliving it all over again, which makes you feel like maybe... possibly, it'll happen again, which, ultimately, fucks you in the ass harder than anything ever has before...... all this just leaves you paranoid and distrustful and upset.  well, for me, that's this song.  i listened to it for the first time during that one really shitty week that i hate bringing up, but can't get off my mind.  i finally brought myself to listen to it again the other day in the library, and i almost cried.  needless to say, i love the song and i've been listening to it over and over again for the past 5 days.  it makes me sad in a very.... happy way, because i hear it... and i'm just relieved that that week has passed, and that things right now... are amazing, but yet i'm still upset that it had to happen at all, and blah blah blah, i've made a promise to myself, to never dwell on bad things again, so i'm marking this day of february the last time i will speak of that week, or worry about it, or anything.  it's in the past, and i'm ready to just fucking shit it out and never think about it again.  i feel like a jackass talking this way about a goddamn song, and all i want to do right now is eat food.] post comment

[09 Feb 2006|08:05pm] [ music | guana batz ] i've got the worst case of writer's block, and it's making me insane.  i haven't written anything decent since..... i don't even know when. it's like..... i'll get an idea, and i'll sit down, and i'll just go with it for a while, see where my head takes it.... but my words,... they don't make sense.  my mind goes crazy, just trying as hard as it fucking can to keep the idea going, and to build on it... but nothing comes.  in my creative writing class, we're working on descriptive observations, of other people in our class and strangers and people we know,... something i do all the time.  something i'm familiar with, something i've been doing ever since the day i started writing.  i sat in my seat for 45 minutes, staring at each and every person in the goddamn classroom..... and my mind... was blank.  i felt like tearing my arms off and beating myself with them; why couldn't i do it?  FUCKING, why is my brain damaged?  i am so unbearably frusterated, and if i don't shake this within the next 5 minutes, i'm gonna go completely insane. i know that this is because i haven't seen kevin in a while.  when things between him and i first started, my brain was going crazy.  i was churning out amazing poems and pieces of prose within a matter of minutes, and i even went back to an old idea for a movie scipt that i started over the summer and added on and editted and cut out and blah blah blah.  maybe it's just that i've poured myself out completely within those few weeks, and now i have nothing left to say.  maybe it's just that i miss kevin more than i've ever missed anyone, and i love him, and i feel lost, and just..... i could write volumes on that man, and if i don't see him soon i'm going to peel my own skin off and eat it. post comment

[07 Feb 2006|05:33pm] the squad was reunited today, for the 54938598th time. i missed those boys, and i'm glad they're still the same crazy bastards that they were 2 summers ago. also:  i miss kevin :( a lot. maybe even too much. post comment

[30 Jan 2006|05:34pm] i spent all of friday night and most of saturday with kevin and alida :)   ( I LOVE LIFE. ) post comment

[21 Jan 2006|09:25pm] "What I have with him is worth it. It is worth every lonely night, every tear I cry from missing him, and the pain I feel from not having him close. It is worth it because he is my one and only. When I picture myself years from now, I see only him. No matter how painful distance can be, not having him in my life would be worse. They all tell me, "Can't you find any one closer?", Well, I'm sorry, but who said love depends on convenience?" (i have used this quote 600 million times, and i don't care.) i would give anything to be able to fall asleep with you every night, as opposed to once a week. i am certain that i've never felt love this deeply, and i am happy. i am so fucking happy. 6 spost comment

[17 Jan 2006|08:07pm] [ music | :cisum ] happy, content, carefree, in love.   i'm probably going to stop writing in this hunk of junk soon. post comment

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